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We've been close companions for more than 20 years, a person who's overcome numerous hardships, and I respect her for that. Yet, she has been constantly taken by surprise by others. Her partner ended their marriage, and it was an unexpected event. Many of her social circle disappeared during that time, because they seemed focused solely on him. She was stunned by her deeply. She put in increased attention in our friendship, and must have understood more clearly the meaning of companionship.

The Pattern With Friends Drifting Away

In the time since, many close to her vanished and she isn't knowing the cause. Her last employer became hostile, even though she had been highly competent, her exit happened unaware of the reason for the change.

Present Situation

Recently, we have each retired and are seeing time together, however, I feel my role in the relationship is to listen. I introduce topics of conversation only for her to redirect them to her own topics. Politically, she holds firm beliefs. I attempt to propose factchecking and alternate views.

She is planning a holiday abroad I know well many times even called home previously. My intention was to offer insights, but this was unappreciated. She essentially just desired validation of her plans. I have returned from 30 days in that country and she wants to catch up, however, I hesitate.

Considering the Choices

I don't want in this role who abandons suddenly without explanation, however, I feel she can grasp the effect of her actions on how I feel about myself. At this point, my state is avoidance mode. How should I proceed?

Ways Forward

You could cut and run, however, that approach is not often the easy answer we hope for. But confrontation with the goal of resolution requires bravery and readiness for each of you.

Therapists recommend applying a useful conflict resolution tool:

"Initially involves describing what typically happens in your conversations. It should be objective and clear and basically what a recording device would replay. Next is to express her how it leaves you feeling. This allows for no dispute here. Your feelings are your feelings, naturally. Step three is to ask ways you together will alter the dynamics in your relationship."

Consider your friend has a point of view, so you need to be prepared to hear that. An approach that works involves stating her:

"Now you talk while I will not say anything for a set time."

This can be impactful for promoting understanding.

Closing Considerations

This person could ignore everything, since certain individuals have a “survival narrative”: they maintain a narrative about themselves they won't release as it feels essential depends upon it and it's all they've known. This is difficult when there seems no clear path with these people, just dead ends. But she may at first react like this then consider your perspective. And even if you never reach a resolution, you'll have peace knowing you were honest with her.